The one which I hope will write itself

I realize that I have these multiple thought bubbles popping up all through the day and feel a need to expand on them and to put them down somewhere. Then I realize that I am fooling myself into thinking that my thoughts have that much of depth and breadth, that each one of them can become a lengthy post. Those thought bubbles are just that. There is always a constant chatter going on in my mind. This often means that I take a long time to fall asleep. I am rambling. Right. So, I am just going to post these arbit thoughts which I want to talk about. 

Bullet points? Alright, then.

• I am a very introverted person. I always knew that but it is only now that I accept it in all its glory. Buzzfeed and various other sites have done these posts about what an introverted person is like, how to be friends with them, how to talk to them and how to not roll your eyes at them. Being an introvert has become cool now for some reason. Introverts are seen as these deep, brooding and intense people.  You see the exaggeration here? While all the articles were pretty spot on about the traits of an introvert etc., they also seemed to be passing a judgment about those who are not introverts. Totally unnecessary and pointless. 
• I mentioned my mind chatter. I think there is so much of a conversation going on in my head all the time, that I probably find it difficult to take the time out from it to engage in a real life conversation. No, I am not crazy, thankyouverymuch. And most of these self conversations are so mundane that they are hilarious when I think of it. Let me give an example. I was on this long train journey recently and I realized that I did not have toothpaste. It took me about 30 minutes to figure out whom I would ask for toothpaste and how I would approach them and how it would seem because I had spent the previous day pretty much ignoring them and so on and on till my mind just yelled at me to just shut the fuck up and ask for the damn toothpaste. The point is that even though there is a lot of internal monologue, most of it is so silly that even I laugh at it. 
• The best thing about growing older, is that you start embracing your quirks and weirdness instead of being embarrassed by them. You have grown into your skin, surrounded yourself with people who love and accept you and are generally more loving towards yourself. 
• But. The other thing about getting older and being an introvert is that I have become so selective about the people I spend time with. I think this has reached the point of being socially awkward. Small talk now scares the shit out of me. Forced social interactions drain me. I need copious amounts of alcohol to get by with people I don't know. Seems contradictory to the previous bullet point? I think so too. What only.
• I quit my job sometime back and wanted to use the time to 'find myself'. It is a load of bullshit if you ask me. I am nowhere close to finding myself. I have become like a sloth jelly which just moves along by default. I hope that there is something very useful which came out of this period which I will realize later. Right now, I don't see it. I think taking a break also requires some planning for people like me. If I am to take a break again, I would need to plan it with some concrete activities- reading, travelling, meditating, analysing TV shows or some such. I am the sort of person who can be perfectly happy doing nothing much. Give me the internet, give me food, give me books, and my life is set. I was often asked what I do all day long. I had to struggle to think of answers because I never felt that the day was dragging along and that I needed to do something to fill the time. I used to sometimes make up answers to tell people. True story. I read this strip of Calvin and Hobbes sometime back in which Calvin proclaims "There isn't enough time to do all the nothing I want". It completely echoes my thoughts. 

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• I have become slightly better with my reading habits. I look forward to long train journeys now because it means completely immersing yourself in a book. If you are lucky and get the side lower berth, then you even have the changing landscapes for company. And chai.
• I am embarrassed to admit that I do occasionally enjoy the genre which is called 'chick lit'. These books I read on the Kindle so that nobody will know what exactly I am reading. I am shallow like that. So. Even though it is chick-lit and even though it is problematic in some ways, I really enjoyed Anuja Chauhan's 'Those Pricey Thakur Girls'. Mostly because I found another fictional character I could be dreamily in love with. Dylan Singh Shekhawat is D for delicious. Enough said.
• Speaking of embarrassing genre, mainstream young adult fiction is another one. I had read all the three books of The Hunger Games trilogy sometime last year. I found the premise very fascinating even though the writing was terrible. It was engaging and all that but still, very stilted and banal writing style, I thought. But as I said, the plot was truly fascinating, especially because there are SO many parallels to the political scenarios of our times. Everywhere you look, you see the Capitol and you see the resistance movements. 
• Another aspect of the book I really liked was the characterization of Peeta. Peeta who is the male lead, is not the conventional masculine types. He is sensitive, he bakes, he paints, he is kind, he knows how to comfort people and he is pretty much useless in the jungle and in the arena. Katniss who is the main character is the opposite in many ways. She is a hunter, she feeds her family, she suppresses emotions, she keeps Peeta alive. I find it interesting how strength and courage is shown in so many different ways. While Peeta cannot hunt or shoot or fight, he is incredibly brave and has immense inner strength. This he displays in many ways through the books.
• I have always loved Rohinton Mistry's books. They just consume me, even though I sometimes feel that he makes the plot too thin and obvious. There are some moments in his books which I think of even later and am close to bawling. In Family Matters, it is when the bed ridden Nariman, begs for a bed pan because he has to pee. The way Mistry writes it out, Nariman whimpering, begging, pleading and Yezad steadfastly ignoring him. A retired college professor, a grown man, a sharp, sarcastic, witty man, a loving man, has to beg his son-in-law to help him to do something so basic. Sigh. In A Fine Balance, the scene which somehow moved me and stayed with me is somehow a less obvious one. When Ishvar and Om, are left homeless, they manage to sleep outside a gate (?) because the watchman allows it. They then fix the watchman's uniform, and tell him that they can stitch all kinds of clothes including baba suits. I think this scene has so many layers and is so poignant. The history of Om and Ishvar. The hard work and struggles they had to face to even learn the trade. The people they lose, the move to the city, almost touching stability and having it yanked away. I cannot even begin to articulate it. I am not sure why this is the scene which stays with me the most. 

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I started writing this post some weeks ago and it is still writing itself. In this period, my biggest fear in terms of electoral politics has come true. We are now a saffron country in terms of poll results. Anyone who is speaking against the demi-god, is a divisive person. The irony. Oh, the irony. 

I was struggling to keep hope alive. I was lucky enough to attend a lecture by P. Sainath whom I completely hero worship. His is the book which changed my life. Anyway, he said this in a different context (not related to poll results): "Somewhere in between cynical pessimism and fake optimism is a space called hope. I live there. I invite you to join me there". And that is the hope, I will cling on to. 

"Homophobia dhoka hain, dhakka maaro mauka hain!"

I admit that I used to be mildly homophobic and openly transphobic. It would be cool to be the kind of person who always had the wisdom to understand things beyond her narrow world. But unfortunately I was not. I can say I was mildly homophobic because I never met a person of alternate sexuality. If I had, perhaps I would have to admit that I was a crazy homophobe.

My first interactions with trans persons were when I was about 5 years old. They used to come home to ask for money once in a while and I was terrified of them. Because I just could not wrap my head around the concept of it all. Unfortunately, my mother did not have the knowledge and the tools to explain things to me. I grew up carrying this irrational fear. I would see them in trains and ignore them. I would think they are loud and crass. I bought into narratives of how they would molest men to get money. In short, I was an idiot.

I used to crack 'harmless' jokes. If two girls were holding hands, I said 'Ooooh Fire'. Referring to the movie of course. Any guy wearing pink was 'So gay!'. When I saw terrible representations of alternate sexuality in mainstream media, I would laugh. I used to say 'How can they be like that?'. When two friends in my hostel were hugging on the bed, I joked 'Homosexuality is illegal in India. Stop it!'. God, I thought I was hilarious. I should have been slapped.

I think back about all this, and feel deeply, deeply ashamed. There were no excuses for my behavior. The words which have been misquoted to Morgan Freeman, resonate with me. He (actually someone pretending to be him) said, "I hate the term homophobia. It's not a phobia. You are not scared. You are an asshole".

Hello world, I was an asshole.

I shudder to think of the impact my words could have had. Was there someone around me struggling with their identity and sexuality who was further pushed into the closet? Was there someone seeking support but couldn't find it because of my insensitive jokes and the laughter that followed? Was I responsible in some way for someone's depression?

What makes us so insensitive and cruel? In my case, I would like to pin it on a lack of awareness. Nothing I grew up with equipped me to understand people who were different. It is difficult to remove the filters of heteronormativity. I wish someone had sat down to talk to me about sexuality (among other things).  I have a feeling that I might have understood. I would have grown up as a more sensitive person. I remember the sole sex ed class I had growing up. A doctor was called in. She used slides and as she spoke, I think she mentally ticked off the checklist - adolescence, breasts, periods, pubic hair, voice cracking, STDs.  That's it. So sex only means STDs or pregnancy. Nothing about feelings. And absolutely nothing about alternate sexuality or gender identity. I believe that conversations can be powerful if done the right way (I often do it the wrong way but that is another story in itself). And I wish that as kids, these conversations were made possible.

Having said all that, if it is not clear yet, I grew up and I have changed the way I think. Completely. And I thank the universe for that. But apparently our esteemed judges at the Supreme Court have not grown up at all (this reminds me of a scene in Jab We Met).

It came as more of a surprise because all around me I was seeing the changes. And it was not because my work involved working on this issue exactly. Other people, people outside of my social sciences universe were all growing up. Even if it was not in a fiery everyone-has-rights way but just shrugging and saying "Well, that is a personal choice. I don't care". Considering the homophobic and transphobic reactions I had heard before, it did seem like a step forward. In this climate, the judgment came as a kick in the gut. Unbelievably stupid. Unbelievably ignorant. Unbelievably discriminatory. I could go on.

It is difficult to even call this judgment regressive because enough has been said and written about alternative sexuality and gender identity being accepted in society from ancient times. 'Same sex love in India' is an excellent book highlighting the same.

So, for the community, the battle lines are drawn again. It is back to the streets, back to the protests, back to the advocacy, back to the conversations. The rainbow protests are the most fun protests I have attended. All the rage, gets channeled in a cheeky and colorful manner. Slogans are catchy, voices are loud, clothes are bright and there is a fair bit of humor and drama. Sample this. My favourite slogan which is used in the protests in Bangalore goes 'Kanoon antha kanoonu. Avara appandanta kanoonu'. I am struggling to find an appropriate translation. Loosely translated, it means, 'They think the law is their father's'. The protests post the judgment have given me hope again. This is such a strong community. They have fought so many battles already. This is seen as just another large obstacle. The boundaries will continue to be pushed. Change is coming.

I end with another favourite slogan, 'Nodi swami. Naavu iravadu heege'. It is a dialogue from an old Kannada movie. It simply says, look boss, we are like this only. Like this only. Like this only.