Chill out ya!

Over the past few years, I have been accused of being humorless. Of taking life far too seriously. Of reading too much meaning into everyday occurrences. Of buying into conspiracy theories. And of being too argumentative in general.

But pardon me if I do not guffaw at your sexist joke of how wonderfully your girlfriend cleans the kitchen. Or if I don't cheer on when you call a woman a slut because she has had multiple relationships. Or continue to calmly sip on my beer when you call someone a faggot. Or calmly smile and ignore your ignorance when you say that all Dalits are actually well off and do not need reservations. Or nod and agree when you say that the country now needs a fascist.

I simply cannot. And believe me I have tried. I cannot sit around listening to oppressive conversations without bursting a nerve in my head. The casual dismissal of people, the ill-informed yet loudly articulated opinions, the complete insensitivity. All masked in the fabric of humor. A joke. It is not funny. It just isn't. It is not normal. Jokes are a way of normalizing the situations we speak of. Of giving expression to the societal fabric of sexism and casteism and what not.

I have been told to 'chill'. To not pick on 'harmless' comments. To keep political thoughts separate from friendships. I am at this stage in life where I wonder if this is possible at all. My politics remains at the core of my being. It is not a job, or a hobby, or something which adds to conversations at dinner parties. How then am I supposed to continue friendships with people who think it is alright for a whole section of people to be eliminated as long as there is 'development'? With those who will make jokes about a woman's place being in the kitchen?

It is far, far easier to engage with strangers in such debates. Doing this with people you love just kills you. Do you then realize that you have outgrown these relationships? Or do you truly try and hold on to what you had and continue to engage? 

I do wish I was not so hot headed. I wish I had the ability to calmly engage and debate. I think what I say would then make a lot more difference than it does now.

What to do? What to do?

A friend sent me a poem by Charles Bukowski a few months back. I quote from it:

"if it doesn't come bursting out of you

in spite of everything, 

don't do it. 

unless it comes unasked out of your 

heart and your mind and your mouth 

and your gut, 

don't do it. 

if you have to sit for hours 

staring at your computer screen 

or hunched over your 

typewriter 

searching for words, 

don't do it".

The poem talks about writing of course. What did you think?

I have been taking this rather literally and not writing at all. Save for work reports and mails. Oh, and Facebook statuses. 

I am also surrounded by people who write so beautifully. Those who articulate their argument with such breathtaking eloquence. With such passion and incisiveness and wit and warmth. It makes me feel unworthy of writing at all. 

Also for some strange reason, I have hardly been reading for the past year or so. With this, I feel both my vocabulary and my imagination has shrunk. This could also be a sign of getting very, very old.

Despite all this, I want to take a stab at writing again. For whatever it is worth. And for that, this blog of hyphens would have to do for now.